someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
