my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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