My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Drunk is not a location!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
