She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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