My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
