okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
