Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
