just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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