I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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