i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
