I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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