3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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