My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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