the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
