I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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