Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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