Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
