Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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