She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
