fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
