You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
