its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
