You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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