I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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