bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
