i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That's how pantless uber rides happen
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
