remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
