Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm getting married
To pizza
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
did i just pee glitter
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
