did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
