ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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