I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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