They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
