watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
