I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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