drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
