Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
