its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
