Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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