im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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