I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
