he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
