Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
