ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
