Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language