I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday