I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
