So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
