He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
