last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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