I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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