You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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