I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
