Your face is a jimmy john
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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