My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
