While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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