I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
