After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
