I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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